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The War has Ended

There are a lot of battles around me.  But who says we have to fight them?

It’s been a little over a month since my competition.  In that time, I’ve been to the gym 3 times, performed maybe 3 cardio sessions, and just now eating like I’m living “healthy” again.  I’ve been studying for my CEC, a weight management course (ironic?).  I don’t have to do a lot of true “studying”, I’ve been doing that for the last 5 or so years.  So I’m breezing through this one.  I digress.  I was reading the topic of depression in clients and as I’m reading the symptoms I start making a connection in the way I’ve been feeling lately.

  • lack of motivation
  • lack of appetite
  • lack of interest
  • irritability
  • etc.

Could I possibly be mildly “depressed”?

I’ve noticed I’m in and out of conflict lately.  There’s a back and forth with the size of clothes I’m in and the need to be on a break right now as I recover.  I haven’t thought much about it because typically I go through these cycles of conflict and confusion before I have calm and clarity.  But if the goal RIGHT NOW is to recover, then why is it so hard to just be?  Where’s the conflict in that?  Where’s something to learn in this?  It’s a matter of JUST DO IT – simple really.

As I’m asking myself things and sorting this conflict out (there’s always a struggle within a struggle) I found myself saying, “It’s like I need conflict.”  I need it?  So instead of arguing I ask, “why do I feel I need it?”  Nothing.  Then…. “I don’t need to fix anything.”  Oh!!!  You mean I’m really NOT broken!?  I never even realized I was in fix it mode.  So now I know I just have to be.  I’ve never done this.

I’ve bought bigger sizes so I can feel good in my clothes, physically good.  Mission accomplished.  I no longer feel the discomfort of my jeans cutting me in half, or my shirts squeezing my middle and my arms.  I feel good.

And now mentally, I’m not broken. Therefore I do not need any conflicts to fix myself.

It’s a crazy feeling to go from constantly fixing myself to just being.  How do you even describe that?  I feel like there’s a piece of me that’s so used to the conflict that it’s fighting with the calm side to come out.  The calm side is holding it, patiently, like a mother holds her child while she cries waiting for her to calm.  She doesn’t have to say anything or convince her of anything.  She just has to be.  Slowly the child lets go.  Then there is calm.

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