The Real Me | "Before", "After" and "After After" -
I think it’s time I set the record straight. I tried to focus on my strengths and ignore the fact that my weight matters… Let’s be real; it matters to me and it matters to you… at least a lot of you.
I belong to a popular support board where my profile gets a lot of attention. I receive positive comments almost daily about how inspiring I am, how motivational I am to them, how others want to look like me, be like me, etc. The last year I’ve tried to come clean with a public blog on the site saying I’ve gained back 40 lbs (which at the time was where I was). After no one seemed to get it, I decided to ignore the site and everyone on it. But the daily inbox reminders of comments on photos, my wall and constant friend requests have yet to cease.
Recently I had this photo resurface on my FB page.
And again the comments on how awesome I look, etc, started reappearing.
I recently read a blog, Grieving the Loss of Your Body Fantasy. I just sat in silence afterwards as I listened to these words over and over…
“I hope that you will understand when I tell you – I clung to her for dear life because she was going to save me from all of my hatred and loathing and self-imprisionment. She was going to bring me a lover. She was going to find me a job. She was going to help me get dressed in the morning.
And I could chalk up every single disappointment or hurt to the fact that she hadn’t come yet – but she was on her way.
And so, during that time, I was saved the hurt and horror of feeling rejection and disaster and turmoil,because this wasn’t my real life, not yet, not until she got here.”
“…because this wasn’t my real life, not yet, not until she got here.”
“She” is my body from last year. I have fooled myself in believing I am living in this temporary body. This isn’t real… Just give me a few months… I’ll be out of here and back to my real life before you know it. A year later, 80 lbs heavier… I have just been waiting for “her” to arrive. When that happens only then can I share with you again; I can quit hiding from you all.
I’ve got to make this real… NOW.
My husband told me it was time to come out and tell my WHOLE story. My whole story is the fact I’m living in my REAL body at the moment. And the whole story is only just getting started. THIS is what happens when you go balls to the wall, when you believe no pain, no gain, and fall into the trap of calories in = calories out. This is Real.
I’ve tried to focus my attention on what I can control right now… that is my strength and what I’ve accomplished on the inside through this unfortunate (or is it?) journey. This weight is only part of the story. But I think to be real, I have to share real.
And you know what? There will be an “after, after, after”… and probably even an “after, after, after, after”, because this life is not one that just never changes. Hate to say it but shit happens. Some circumstances you have choices over and some you don’t. But either way I wanted you all to see the REAL me.
The real me is stronger than I ever thought imaginable – physically and emotionally – and continues to get stronger. The real me is compassionate, emotional, and deep. Sometimes I over think things (lol), but I always find what I’m searching for. When I set my mind to do something I’m persistent and determined; I never give up. The real me is learning to love and accept myself for who I am today, not for who I was yesterday.
Yup, it’s time to show up.