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Day 2 – Listen… to the Balance

After breakfast this morning I’m feeling so much more relaxed about this process.  Yesterday was tough.  And really, it’s not that it was tough, it was just… different and a bit challenging.  It took a lot more thinking and focusing in order to keep myself centered on what my body was telling me versus my head.  I liked this though – I felt freed.

By the end of the day yesterday I reflected on my food choices.  I think the most surprising thing I noticed was that the food choices were healthy but they were foods I had forbidden myself to eat.  I had widdled my diet down to a few ingredients each day until closer to competition all that was left was chicken, lean beef, egg whites, protein powder, oats, green veggies and sometimes sweet potatoes and brown rice.  It made me nervous to eat strawberries, blueberries, whole apples (although small), yogurt, cottage cheese, low fat low sugar milk, beans, white rice (eDiet’s meal delivery) and almonds.  All of this (as if that were a lot, but in my mind….) in quantities that satisfied me.  No measuring.  No weighing.  Just what felt right.

I don’t think I realized how strict my diet had gotten.  And in the world of competing this may be okay considering it’s usually only short term restrictions, but when your mind thinks it’s the norm… you’re just screwed.  Today I feel like RC reached in this deep dark hole, grabbed my hand and pulled me out…. once again he has saved me.

I’m still not logging, tracking, analyzing, or reaching targets by measuring or weighing my food.  I know this would totally defeat the purpose of listening.  But I suppose the fear and sheer curiosity had me stepping on the scale this morning.  Yesterday as the day progressed, I felt larger and larger and just knew this would backfire, even though I felt my met rate revving and my food choices were what I truly wanted/needed.  Needless to say, the scale didn’t say anything that I had feared it would.  It said, “see?  Now give me a vacation.  I’m tired of you stepping on me every day!  Trust the process and trust YOURSELF!”  :)

I know I’m hardly cured from the voices, but again… being aware means everything.  Even this morning I felt loads better, but after making my french toast with Ezekiel bread (the only bread my body will tolerate – non weight related restrictions) I cooked some sausage for the girls.  I had 2 very small pieces and tried to restrict myself, argue, etc.  It’s moments like these, and yesterday, that I see that a “permitter” can definitely be a “restrictor” too.  And it’s not about going from one extreme to the other, it’s about balance.  Over and over and OVER again, THIS is where I keep getting pulled back to.  When you trust, there’s balance.  When you listen, you hear balance.  Everything ties into this one key point - balance!

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