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Competiton to Now

I don’t even remember the last thing I blogged about!  Probably before my competition.

I’ll start there.  Competition was awesome.   Regardless of my STILL not being 100% stage ready I did get the eyes of the judges and smiles.  I have a couple pictures I will post when I get them that show the 3 of the judges… judging me.  Last year it wasn’t even close enough for them to look long.  No placing for me, unless you count 4th place in my class out of 4 girls a placing.

After the show I enjoyed some pizza and ice cream, but I didn’t overeat.  As a matter of fact my desire to binge wasn’t there at all.  I was amazed at this because it felt so natural, unforced.  Not like me just wanting it to be there – it was real.

I didn’t diet the rest of the week but I did watch what I ate.  I ate moderate carbs, and higher fat and protein.  I know one day I hit close to 2000 calories and I wouldn’t say it’s too far off to assume the other days were 1800 to 2000.  On Thursday we traveled for vacation.  Thursday was awkward eating – breakfast, almonds for snack and all the sudden it’s dinner time.  I think we spent all day in an airplane.  Friday is when things started getting out of hand with my diet.

I journaled about this ordeal as well.

9/20/10

After the show I felt balanced, centered, focused, healthy minded, etc.  I felt changed, freed, and in control of my choices, for lack of better words, for the first time in a  LOOOOONG time!  I gained 4lbs from my cheat meals after the  competition.  Shortly after I ate higher fat, moderate carbs and higher  protein – something I feel strong and fed with.  My weight  started coming down, about a 1/2 lb a day.  I was probably eating around  2000 calories a day – clean food.

Thursday  we began our traveling to San Antonio for vacation.  I ate what I  could, but it was all “healthy and clean” until dinner, where I enjoyed a  small dessert (I couldn’t finish because of how sweet it was). What  began to unfold Friday evening and on had me visiting dark places in my  mind once again.  It had me aware of just how long it’s been  since I’ve gone there.  You can just use your imagination on how I was  mentally talking to myself, which of course didn’t help.Every day I  watched my body morph into a physique I didn’t recognize.  So without  revisiting the details of what or how I was eating, I want to get to the  WHY’s and beautiful realizations that come of “bad” things.

The  last few years or so I’ve noticed my daughter eating the same way I  started – stuffing my face like there were a famine around the corner.   Some people told me it was just because she was a “growing girl”, but I  always felt like somehow my dieting was causing her to eat like this or  that I created some sort of food/dieting/body image phobias with her.  I  always felt a bit of guilt as I tried to keep education at the base of  everything.  I wanted to spare her what I have struggled with for SO  long.  But I finally saw it has nothing to do with me at all.  She’s  starting out in the same way I did for the exact same reasons I did -  fear of not getting enough…. if she wanted it.  Rationalization is:  it’s better to get more than you need so you won’t regret not getting enough later.  (??)

I  grew up with a step dad who had an appetite like none I’ve ever seen.   (Unfortunately it eventually caught up to him and he passed from a heart  attack.)  He would be fed first, he would be fed in very large  quantities and he would always go back for 2nds.  Which meant, by the  time I got my food if I didn’t hurry up and finish, or beat him, there was a threat there would be none left.  What if I was still hungry?  And the cycle begins for me (9 years old).

Fast forward  to the present day… there we were sitting at the restaurant waiting  for our appetizer.  Like all women do, we had to all get up and go to  the bathroom.  But as soon as we head towards the restrooms our  appetizer comes to the table.  Suddenly my daughter changes her mind  about needing to go.  Why?  Because the food is there?  I confronted her  about it in the restroom (she reluctantly went anyway).  She told me  she was afraid her father would eat it all before she could get any.  So  it finally (years later) hits me… she didn’t necessarily have a  compulsion to overeat for the sake of overeating or to comfort herself,  she was afraid she wouldn’t get any!  I could relate, because it also  dawned on me that I felt exactly the same way she did!  I wouldn’t share  with him all weekend in fear I wouldn’t get what I wanted!  A single  bite for him is about 3 or 4 for me and my daughter – literally.  He’s  learned to scarf his food down as fast as he can so he can get back to  work or not be interrupted by a customer.  He’s done it for years!   The  problem is, myself AND my daughter feel like if we don’t get more than  we need we fear we may not get our “fair share”.  I’m repeating history  here!  Now I’m sitting back and watching my daughter as if I’m watching  myself when I were younger.  This sucks!!

I  have talked with my husband, because he could never understand her  eating behaviors.  To be honest, I couldn’t either – it’s a reflection  of myself but I couldn’t see it until we were both in the same situation  at the same time.  I’ve asked him to slow down his eating.  We need to  teach her it’s okay, she’ll get enough, and take away that threat as a way to help calm her a  bit.

Awareness again… maybe now I can help my daughter… and fine  tune my own behaviors even more.

I  told her to look around.  There is plenty of food.  At any time of the  day and in any place, you have access to it, so there is no reason for  us to feel like we won’t get enough.  I’ve already seen her FINALLY make  a small connection and begin to modify her behaviors.  I feel hopeful  for her now.

This was a valuable bit of information I got from my “relapse” while on vacation.  Totally worth it at this point.

I have stayed off the scale as well and fought hard to listen to my body over the voices in my head.  Here’s what I recently told a good friend.

I’m taking the  rest of the week off – 2 total weeks O-F-F!    Food is clean, but I’m just eating – tuning in with my body.  I’m   eating, but not overeating.  At the same time, I’m making sure I don’t   under eat.  Today I had an interest in seeing what that scale had to   say, but still no desire – so I ignored it!    ALL of this is challenging for me.  My head says, “GO TO THE GYM!  COUNT   YOUR CALORIES!  GET ON THE SCALE SO YOU CAN START LOSING AGAIN (or so   you don’t start gaining anymore).”  As the days go by it gets a little   louder.  My body says, “rest, take it easy, RECOVER, balance back out,   be patient, listen to me.”  This feels… right.

So that’s where I am now.  Although, I’m feeling a bit run down – sore throat and achy. And even though I’m resting I’m still feeling like I’m ready to at least devise my plan come Monday.  Hmmmmm…….

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