1/13/11 – 2 weeks into treatment
I’m still exhausted. As a matter of fact, I’m taking a nap after I finish this. I’m 2 weeks into my therapy today. 2 more weeks to feel better before making my next appt. early. Umm… it’s looking like I’ll be scheduling an appt. soon. I thought by the way the Dr. was talking I’d have some energy back by now, but I haven’t had the energy to drag my feet on the elliptical, no wonder there’s no desire for cardio. Instead I chose a trip to the mall. Still some ignoring going on in subtle ways, but I’m in desperate need of some clothes that fit. One’s that respect my body – not leaving me uncomfortable all the time.
About that shopping trip yesterday… STRESS!!! Mirrors, and numbers, and store after store, and old memories, and denial, and fear, and anger and sadness and I realize by the end of the day I REALLY need some acceptance. What an emotional day.
I’ve noticed other areas of my life and behaviors that need changing, things that have been there but I’ve also ignored. I have codependency issues. Surprise! I tend to have them more with my husband than anyone else. And I’ve GOT to stop! I have a lot more discoveries to come in this dept. but I noticed a tense chest in the morning for wanting… needing him to be in a good mood, so I could be in a good mood, so I could release the tension in my chest. I walk on egg shells, in hopes he stays in a good mood or in hopes I can make him be in a good mood. Not that he’s always in a bad mood, but he can get cranky pretty easily in the mornings – definitely not trying to paint an ugly picture of my husband in anyway. What usually ends up happening is his not being talkative in the mornings is translated in my own head as warning sign and I try to go into fix it mode. And heaven forbid if he IS in a crappy mood for whatever reason, because then my morning is filled with stress and tension. And of course, if he’s in a jolly mood, I’m on cloud 9. Codependent anyone?
Why should I expect him to be in a jolly mood every morning? I’m not in a great mood every morning, most mornings, but not EVERY morning. And it has nothing to do with him (the majority of the times). Why do I feel it has something to do with me? Why does everything have to be about me?
Since being diagnosed with adrenal fatigue and really feeling what’s happening within, I’m more aware of what I’m doing to myself. I’m putting even more undue stress on my adrenals and probably prolonging my recovery. I’m not sure how I disconnect his moods from mine, but I have to learn how to do this. It’s killing me. Seriously…
On the more physical recovery process… 2 weeks into my treatment and I am noticing some changes. My temperature has gone from an avg. of 97.6 (for over 5 years) to a normal 98.6. AND…. my hunger has been switched to “ravenous” for the last 2 days. I’ve had to be very conscious of the fears that are leery of eating on hunger cues and not relying on rules. I can’t say I’m making straight A’s, but wasn’t striving for straight A’s what got me here in the first place? (if you don’t count all the expert’s advice I followed)
Today 30 minutes after I ate lunch I was ravenous again. My mind says, “you’re not possibly hungry. It must be the hormones playing tricks on you.” But the hunger pangs got so bad I couldn’t ignore them anymore. I asked Cathy if she had every experienced this. Was it real? She told me to eat, so I grabbed some almonds & cashews. I ate until the hunger pangs subsided. 10 minutes later, I was hungry again. She says to me, “you should have eaten, not just curbed the hunger temporarily. Don’t throw your hunger a bone.” BLING! Seriously, as if I’ve lost touch with how to feed myself in a way my body wants to be fed. Nuts aren’t very satisfying when you’re stomach is about to crawl out of your insides! Nuts were “safe”.
These rules are there whispering to me. They fly under the radar mostly. I know only practice will help me hone in on them. Oh, and practice does not make perfect it only makes better.